wiNk My Reality

Reborn blogger?

2009-10-20T19:04:00.001+08:00

Although one may often wish,
To forget their past mistakes,
To leave behind their hardships,
No matter what's @stake -
To ignore the lessons,
Tt they've learned ovr the years,
Just to disregard their heartaches,
Their pains, trials, and tears -
I've come to know, that I cannot,
Regret the life that I have led...
I cannot b apologetic,
For the things I've done or said -
I cannot live a life of anger,
For the sufferings I've faced,
Or think that tears I have shed,
Should ever be replaced -
The moments of which I faltered,
Or made the wrong choice,
The times tt I needed to stand up,
But I seemed to lose my voice -
Along with the days that I stood strong,
And lived up to my potential,
All joined together to form a road,
That each soul finds essential -
For each step that I take along,
The life that I've been through,
Became just one step closerto where home belong.

Five for Fighting

2006-10-16T16:13:00.000+08:00

The weekend that just breezed by, was simply awesome. Friday evening started with after work drinks with my work-mates, follow by Thai dinner with friends and movie.

'Out of the Blue' a New Zealand foreign film award movie tells the tale of a true event that happened in 1990, Dunedin, where a massacre saw the lives of 13 people lost, the youngest being only 5 years old.

We had our annual ANZ ball on Sat, and I spent 4 hours getting ready. My date was funny n we had freeflow of wine... which saw the eventual sanity of my mind malfunctioning. I didn't even know how I got to my friend's place and crashed at his couch cos I was simply too thrashed to drive home.
Ball Pics
Massive hang over on Sunday. Had a long conversation with a mate on the phone and another long conversation with parents, which my flatmate disrupted in the midst, asking me what I'd like to have from duty free since she just returned from Perth and was in AUK airport. Parents heard the conversation I had on the handphone while they were waiting on the landline n mind you, I had such an earful from them about the harmful effects of alcohol and cigarettes. I told them meekly that we merely have a couple of rounds of drinks on the weekends, no smoking and not getting drunk.

YEAH RIGHT!!

Anyway, I had a compulsive urge to have a name change which I had considered for a long long time but never saw the need to...

Oh well... Looking forward to 11/11 party where we already have a stock pile of alcohol READY.

So much for studying for my CFA.

Darn... I think I'm so going to screw it up...

Here's an nice n touching song to share:
Five for Fighting Music video

Satisfaction

2006-10-10T17:56:00.000+08:00

Today, I didn't have to go office today.
Apparently, I've been hand picked by our Local Market Manager of ANZ to pilot a programme. Apparently, only 2 Personal Banker out of the whole Auckland City catchment have been selected to pioneer this programme, n I'm one of them.

Definately a huge boost to my already over inflated ego! *giggles*
N definately something to lift my dampened spirits in the last few weeks.

And so, as the story goes, I had to go Penrose today for a course. It was fun, it was enriching. Not without frills tho. Roads were jammed in the morning all the way to the location. Thankfully I wasn't late. Hasn't been late, never been late for work n don't intend to start... ~phew

N the weather? It started hailing big time in the mid afternoon.. which was rather interesting, considering that it never hails in Singapore.

After work? Another massive jam to the city to meet with Kevin for our weekly get fit swimming sessions. 50 laps. I need to tone up for this Saturday's ANZ ball. The agenda, to increase the swimming sessions to twice a week and 100 laps... n jogging tomorrow? Ermmmm... let me sleep on it tonight.

Back to the ball. Should I wear white? Or should I do black? I don't even know if I should go. Someone asked me to be his date, and is paying for the ticket which is worth $70. I don't want to give any wrong impression by accepting, but should I just go for the fun of it?

Whatever you do, don't smile... - Jamie Banks

2006-10-07T17:52:00.000+08:00

I woke up this morning at 4am, as I had to fetch Mel, my friend cum flatmate to the airport. She's going to Australia to meet up with her family... wish I could go on the plane with her too...

Apparently, I was supposed to go jogging as a get fit scheme with the ACG president n vice president after the airport, but I bet they were still sleeping at that ungodly hour, thus I went home to get some beauty sleep too... Hadn't had proper sleep in the last week, so it was great I finally got outta bed at 1130am.

Met up with Yvonne for some retail therapy and after, Jamie for dinner. Jamie is an author of 'Whatever you do, don't smile' (which he kindly gave me a copy of)
He's got really positive way of looking at things, being thru some tough times himself...
Anyway, he managed to lift my gloomy spirits up over dinner at Daikouku Ramen.

I highly recommend his book to anyone who's going thru some crisis in life. Here's an extract on page 6:

"The idea that a big part of us enjoys the combination of being immersed in sadness, loniness and disappointment, and being able to complain about them, fits in surprisingly well with other typical behavioural patterns. We have an instinctive desire to do things and like things that aren't good for us, whether we're talking food, drink, exercise posture or TV. We find ourselves wanting to pick our scabs, go to be late, delay our assignments, buy stuffs we don't need and soon don't want, and flirt with perople who aren't our partners. It is almost as if the saying, 'all that glitters, is not gold' even applies to our thoughts. We have a strange and inbuilt attraction to unhealtiness. Some whould call this 'original sin', while others would consider it part of a system designed to provide us with the necessary resistance to build tanacity of character.

Another obvious reason we cling to sadness on occasions is that moping is easy. Once we get into the habit it's easier to mope than to do anything else. Happiness requires work and not getting us any sympathy (when people think we are fine they have a tendency to leave us alone). When one path needs effort and one doesn't, we tend to take the latter, no matter how much misery or dissatisfaction it might bring."

Insightful eh? Over dinner, he was also telling me that my unhappiness now is a suffering for something better in the future, so it is a process we need to go thru if we want better later. *Smiles*

I went home after dinner craving for brownies, so I searched online for brownie recipies, which generated a thousand results. I looked for one which says 'Best brownie' and 5/5 ratings from more than 2000+ people who tried it. Well, so, on a Saturday nite at 10pm, I baked the 'Best Brownie' and it didn't fail me. Wan some? Come knocking in NZ, Taylor Rd, Mt Albert, Auckland.

Love

2006-10-04T17:43:00.000+08:00

Love is anterior to life, Posterior to death, Initial of creation, and The exponent of breath. -Emily Dickonson

'Love believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.'
'Love never fails'. -God

plague

2006-10-02T18:34:00.000+08:00

When bad things happen, they seem to come in big magnitutes. Somehow, people tend to remember hurts more than happiness, because pain is more realistic and affects more profoundly than happiness do.

To think that I'm having it bad, I came to realise today that two close friends of mine had been struck with pretty bad circumstances. One had an abortion, and the other, his dad had been diagnosed with a rare form of cancer. Only about 200 pple in the world have it.

Whenever you think that you are having it bad, others are going thru worse... Therefore, count your blessings. I've taking a moment to count mine today. Have you?

Jus to share a poem I wrote recently...

Trapped

I'm trapped inside my own little world wishing you were here...

I'm missing you, but wishing you would just disappear...

You made my life complete, you made me think you were sweet...

Now I see your a total lie, who took my heart and made it hurt...

My life seems dull, now that we're apart...

I guess it just wasn't meant to be...

So I'll let you go on living your life, and I will go on living mine...

knowing that I've been hurt, trapped with a broken heart...

reflections

2006-10-01T07:36:00.000+08:00

Being Sunday today, I'm reflecting on bible passages and the good in me is the result of some passages and how they have helped me live my life and react in some manner.

Life is a series of frastrations, disappointments and heartaches. At this point in my life, I am feeling a combustion of these three. Tired? Weary? Yes. I am.

I can understand the hopelessness, desperation and exasperation that manipulate one to lose their will to live. A sad and painful reminder of my cousin Adele Tan and the last song she sang 'Foolish Games' before a few weeks later, she decided to leave this world and did not want to be part of this anymore.
'This is my heart, bleeding before you, this is me down on my knees. These foolish games are tearing me apart'. The lyrics sends chilling and heart wrenching seizures to my heart of her departure plus reminisce of the heartbreaks and disappointments in my past relationships. But, no matter how much hurt has been inflicted upon me, I've will choose to pick myself up again, no matter how painful, or wounded my heart has been battered, I will choose to make the best out of the scenario.. no matter how difficult or how long it will take. Afterall, in life, sometimes you can never have what you want.

I will not let past hurts hinder me to love or close up my heart. Matthew 24:12 'the love of most will grow cold'. In the last days, there will be hardly any love left in this world. It's scary not being able to love, because love is a beautiful thing. I don't ever want my love to grow cold and my heart hardened. Thus, I will always find it within me to have an open heart and to love fully again, and all I ask for from the other party is to love me back fully. Because, with love, I believe that all issues can be worked out.

Although, my emotions are very much hanging by a thread now...

Don't be deceived by my everlasting smile, cos behind it lives a fragile little doe eye girl whose heart is bleeding before you. I feel like a geisha, masking her emotions behind her white painted face, where her life is all but only a facade.

But no matter how painful, no matter how piercingly it hurts, I know I will survive it thru.

Because:

God will make a way, when there seems to be no way.
He works in ways we cannot see, He will make a way for me.
He will be my guide, hold me closely to his side.
With love and strength for each new day
He will make a way, He will make a way.

By a roadway in the wilderness, He'll lead me.
Rivers in the desert will I see. Heaven and earth will fade,
But His Word will still remain. He will do something new today.

God will make a way, when there seems to be no way.
He works in ways we cannot see,
He will make a way for me.
He will be my guide, hold me closely to his side.
With love and strength for each new day
He will make a way, He will make a way.

jus a thought

2006-09-29T21:56:00.000+08:00

They say, women are complicated but men can be worse. They can be such neurotic creatures at times.
To say that I'm angry is such an understatement. I'm furious, infuriated and totally p***ed...

sunshine!

2006-09-02T08:36:00.000+08:00

Sunshine thru my window.... *smiles* Nothing beats waking up to the gentle tingling heat of the sun caressing your face. The weather is finally brightening up, instead of the gloominess of the damp winter rain.

I sat up in bed this morning at 630 am, peering out of my window, glazing at the massive ball of fire slowing rising up from the horizons. I satisfying smiled to myself, knowing that life is picking up for me, and things will change for the better.

It's amazing how 9 days since my last blog has transformed out for me. Life is nevertheless still a roller coaster ride, especially in the affections department. BUT, instead of gallowing in self made pity, I've decided to embrace the glitering side of things, and focus on the good that's been going on.

We're our own Masters of our lives. The realm of good and bad lies in our very own clutches, and we are the navigators to maneuver the outcome.

Anyway, today mark a day of true celebrations for my flat. We're now officially the trio of 'sisters'. I have officiate this day in a splendor made breakfast. Pancakes Galore with scramble eggs, sausages and whipped cream. Sinful.. but whoever says indulgence is wrong?

AND wait! There'll be this little party we'll be holding tonight with our little gang.

Our theme: Fridge and Washing Machine relaunch plus dramatic flatmate moving out party!

*smiles*

Can't life get any brighter?

Incompetence

2006-08-22T15:06:00.000+08:00

Today, Tuesday the 22nd of August 2006, mark one of the worst day of trauma in my life...Did I wake up at the wrong side of my bed? Then again, there is only 1 side of my bed I can wake up from, because the other is propped up against the wall...

Well, I'd like to think of myself as an attractive, intelligent, witty and competent young woman who is also fiercely loyal to my family and friends.

Yet, recently, I find myself constantly tryin to find my feet on the ground, lost in the vastness of complexity and confusion. My life is not as smooth sailing as I hope to fathom, definately not in the areas of work nor love.

WORK: Take for example today; work was horrid. I started work, almost in the brink of tears, and ended work in the same state of mind. I was thankful that the mistake I made wasn't huge ones, but the severity of it sure gave me a huge slap across my face that I need to pull up my socks in ensuring that I am more compliant in my work.

Now, that's where the problem lies. It wasn't that I was slack in the first place. Believe me, I'm trying. Trying real hard. Yet, I failed... miserably. That in turn, comes to one conclusion. I'm incompetent. Which I wouldn't say that I am, not at least in all the jobs I ever had been in. I've always maintained a high standard in my work, and have received praises which shoots right up the skies with all, n I mean ALL my previous bosses.

I'd like to find excuses and take comfort in the fact that I'm new to the role, being only 1 month into the job. However, I cannot shurg off the frustration that I'm feeling, as I'm a fast learner who should already grasp the complexity of the banking industry and systems. After all, I'm not stupid, and was once categorised in the top 5% in terms of IQ in the whole of Singapore.

Oh well, more self comforting.

I reckon that I should indulge in comfort eating, since it's that 'time' of the month and I'm staring right at a chocolate bar on my desk. I seriously need to find a foothold in my job, a method to work smart in the endless pile of paperwork, building relationships and reign my role as a Personal Banker with ANZ.

LOVE: This may be 1 area that I may be going WRONG. My choice to remain single has be wavered by someone, yet life never seem to be fair. When can one be ready for a relationship, or for the matter, NOT? I find my thoughts casting a regular fixture on him recently, anticipating for his calls, messages or emails. Yet I receive neither. 'He's just not that into you'. I need to wake up to this hard reality.
Probably that's why I made mistakes at work today. My dinner was not eatable n I had to pour it out, n I don't ever remember making BAD food. I flooded the whole garage washing my car carpet, had to clean up my mess. After getting all down n filthy, I realise there was no more hot water left in the shower.

I'm flustered and frastrated. Mind you, I'm not desperate or short with men chasing me. Maybe it's my turn to have a taste of my own medicine. How should one be feeling with your feelings not reciprocated?

Blogging... Oh Well!

2006-08-21T18:46:00.000+08:00

Right. What I have always concluded was that blogs are a total waste of time. Not only is it for pple with nothing better to do, it is also for geeks, anti social pple and totally unhappening people.

I am a busy lady, with bearly time for myself. I need to juggle time between my work and my CFA studies, I also need my dose of social life. Blogs. Definately a NO NO.

It was a No, until i discover my friends' blog. I find myself week after week, totally immersed and intrigued with their posts and things going on in their lives. I guess, deep down in each of us, lay a very inquistive creature that spawn on the lifes of their friends. I guess, with the creation of this blog of mine, I hope u'll find yourself intrigued with my life, and I promise to try and keep this little space of mine entertaining. May this be a channel where I can pour my little heart out, maybe lost in this vast virtual world, or a reflection of thoughts for those that know me.

Today mark an exact month after my 25th Birthday. Quarter life crisis? Maybe. Life seem to fly pass, literally in a blink of an eye. I vaguely remember being in an all girls school, motorcycles, polytechnic, coming to New Zealand, uni, and life suddenly come to a realisation... work, money, ambition... Has life stopped, or has it barely began?

I love taking charge of my life and the independence from working, yet I find myself contantly stuggling to keep that little doe eyed girl I once was. Life can be such a controversy. Is my famous smile that I don just a facade? I am truely thankful and grateful as such, for my close friends that I've have, being so steadfast an a pillar of support where ever in the world u may be.

*wiNk* My Reality